Five Vulnerable Things: Vol 01

1. I hosted my first virtual community call—and immediately told myself I sucked.
Sunday night, I led the first ever Cozy Tings—a virtual space I’ve been dreaming about for months. Five people showed up. People I love. People from different corners of my life. And on the outside, it went well—there were moments of softness, connection, and playfulness. But on the inside? I was freaking out. I felt unanchored, overcomplicating everything, panicking over tech issues and whether people were having a good time. The second it ended, I said to myself, “I suck. I never want to do that again.” That’s how quickly I turned on myself. But even as I beat myself up, I was also quietly grateful. Grateful to see different corners of my life braided together in one room. I want to hold both truths at once next time: the discomfort and the beauty.

The fear and the fact that I showed up anyway.

2. I just hired a coach—and it feels like jumping off a cliff.
Today, I said yes to something big: a 12-month mentorship with George Poulos. I’ve signed up for programs before. I’ve been burned before. There’s always that voice in the back of my head asking, “What if this is just another thing that promises too much and leaves me empty?” But something about this feels different. I didn’t hire him to scale my business or build a funnel. I hired him to witness me. To walk beside me through the messy, slow, unglamorous becoming. It’s scary to commit to something that vulnerable. But it also feels like I’m finally giving myself permission to be supported—without needing to earn it.

3. Going home makes me feel like I have to shape-shift.
I’m heading back to NYC soon and the buildup always brings this pressure: to be everything for everyone. To see every person, explain every decision, show up in a way that makes sense to people who knew older versions of me. But I’m trying to stay grounded in what I need. This time, I’m excited—to see my sister, watch Othello, do work, and catch up with a few friends. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing every time.

4. The mess isn’t the problem—it is the process.
Trying in public is hard. Not knowing what I’m doing is harder. Some days I feel like I’m building five different bridges at once—Substack, YouTube, Instagram, coaching, podcasting—and I’m not sure which one leads anywhere. But what’s becoming clear is this: clarity doesn’t come before the mess. It comes through it. My life is layered. My creativity is chaotic. My heart is constantly catching up with my ambition. But that doesn’t mean I’m failing. It means I’m in it.

5. My future self already knows: I’ve made it.
This came up during last night’s Cozy Tings call—when we were talking about the idea of “arriving.” I realized: I don’t need to arrive. I am it. My future self isn’t waiting on milestones—she’s already proud of who I am now. The woman who created a space from scratch. Who’s healing in public. Who’s lucky enough to love her life and her people. I keep looking forward, forgetting that I’m already living a life my past self dreamed about. And I don’t need to do more to be worthy of it.